My beloved Queen - Deva of The Apple Tree
Please illuminate the Temple of Eden inside of me
I come with a heart of quenching thirst
The shadow of my past is ready to burst
I liberate myself from falsity, fear and pain
The sacred emission of truth I regain
Purity I seek to embody and embrace
The Virgin Goddess becoming my face
I open - I recieve your medicine - I heal
I thank you for showing me what is true and what is real
Let thy essence become one within me
I honour you and I bow to this white and golden tree
The Great Temple of Eden - The Mystery
Let it be known, I call for inner eternal sanctity
I have been communing with the deva of the Apple Tree for a few months now and just recently sealed my initiation with her after weeks of intimate inner work guided by the great mother goddess of nature. It is about three weeks ago since I made my sacred vow in front of the ardent fire within the Temple of Eden in the inner worlds. This vow was not just spoken out in front of the fire but declared to the Great Spirit itself. To my Innermost being. A vow that has been brewing inside me for around 4 years during which I have moved through many layers of deep inner purification.
When autumn arrived this year I knew I was going to engage in a sacred rite initiated by the divine Mother Goddess. I have been preparing myself for this for a long time and this year I could fully and wholeheartedly make this vow with the outmost sincerity, understanding, and reverence for the power and commitment that it is.
After ceremonially preparing and cleansing my inner being through a final ritual in which my past was released through forgiveness and forgetfulness, I vowed to live in perfect chastity for the rest of my life. A choice which is intended to serve as a catalyst for my inner growth and an offering to my relationship with the Great Father God, and the Divine Mother Goddess of Nature.
This means that I will only cultivate and use my sexual energy for the purpose of inner alchemy and soul integration, to fill my holy grail up as an offering to the world.
For the ones who do not know what this means; I vowed to never again engage in sexual activity (physical, emotional or mental) with anyone or myself for the sake of pure physical pleasure or desire to have an orgasm.
I have come to learn over the years that Sex is sacred, and after dishonouring myself through a wild and distorted sexuality for 15 years of my life I reached a point 4 years ago where I was determined and committed to heal and honour my body as a temple of divinity. I have chosen to transform my inner being back to a virginal state. This has been culminated and processed through spiritual tests and inner trials where I have been initiated into teachings around sexuality that I came here as a soul to learn about and transform myself through.
My devotion to my highest path and the vow I made three weeks ago is supporting me to stay centered and contained in my essence, spirit, and willpower. Only the man that is equally devoted to his highest calling and purity shall be allowed to enter this temple, and he is going to be the only one. A union where both of us aspire to merge with the Divine for the inner realization and birth of the Christos Essence is intended and required. The golden nectar of my flower shall never be wasted again.
Now I know some people reading this might think that I am crazy and that something must be severely wrong with me – as our current collective programming is making most of us dishonour the sacredness of this creative power we behold, leaking it all over the places and using it to feed our lower selves instead of awakening the higher. I have lived most of my life as a slave to pleasure in different forms. I have indulged in and explored all my fantasies and let myself go into all areas which I desired. And I have integrated a great deal of teachings along the way - some which I intend to share with you today.
This is going to be a bit of a longer writing which I see as important for me to share as I understand it can be relevant and inspiring for others who are on the path.
During the past 4 years of my life I have lived in commitment and devotion to my inner transformation - to integrate my inner truth. In solitude with nature the revelations and mysteries of my soul appeared. During this time I have gradually awakened, healed, and starting to remember what I am here to do. Ageless wisdom of ancient times started coming to life like snowdrops in winter. The plants of my homeland opened up as portals to the higher worlds in which I was invited to enter, learn, and remember my truth.
I soon understood that all of this comes with a responsibility. A responsibility to learn how to work with what I am being shown and share it with the world, along with a responsibility to purify myself. Self-observation and self-responsibility got a whole new meaning.
I have investigated myself from top to bottom, inside and out, past to present since then, and I will continue to do so. Because I have to know myself. I have to understand myself. I cannot ignore the actions of my past or the inner worlds of a distorted ego and lower desires if I wish to serve the light of truth in this world.
To become a light worker we first have to be a shadow worker.
One of my biggest shadows in my life up until I made my commitment about 4 years ago was that of my distorted sexuality. It was ruling me to a large extent and was severely distorted even before I entered this life. It had been trapped, enslaved, controlled and programmed into a horrible state in a past life which I saw in a dream as a little girl. I didn’t understand it at the time, but felt the distortion manifested as pleasure throughout my life.
In that past life I was mind controlled, ritualistically, and sexually enslaved and sacrificed. That lifetime inflicted my soul with a deep trauma that has been carried into this life manifested as wounds, fears, energetic blocks, and a shadow - a teacher - that I am now understanding and able to heal the root of. There is a lot for me to tell you about this, because the pain and suffering I went through in that life wants to transform into medicine and liberation of the soul in this one, which is intended to reach and inspire hearts beyond my own.
But I must work for all of this to take form, it’s not just magically going to happen by itself. I have to penetrate into the depths of my being and study myself to understand the deeper meaning of the unfolding secrets.
What I am about to tell you now is deeply personal because I speak from personal experience, yet it is also impersonal because I do not share it to be seen or have you giving me your opinions on whether this is right or wrong. This is simply my experience and what I have learned. I know this may get a lot of different reactions and judgements yet I choose to share it because I wholeheartedly feel it holds a key for a deeper understanding and insights into the inner worlds of the soul and how our sexuality may manifest itself based on our core wounds and how it can trap us in the lower spheres of existence - which I have learned over a period of 10 years as I have tried to understand this part of myself.
I want to begin with highlighting the fact that I have never been sexually abused against my will in this life, but my story is deeply imbued in sexual violence which I made a choice to engage in. I will not go into details around that because it does not matter. It is very important for me to highlight this, I am not sharing this because I need anyone to approve or comment on it, but for me to share my perspective on the deeper reality of how our sexuality many times is enslaving and keeping us stuck in the lower self or shadow, which is feeding of our pleasures and perverted fantasies. This makes it very hard for us to continue growing spiritually. The orgasm makes us fall - the cultivation of the golden nectar makes us rise.
We are never victims to anything that happens to us, or inside of us - it all serves a higher purpose, and we all have the power to transform through the teachings of the darkness we carry inside and are being presented with through external events in our life.
When we are constantly feeding our shadow we can only grow so much spiritually – I am only as pure as that which I allow into my body. (thoughts, fantasies, desires, media, food, other people, drugs, etc) It is up to me to make the transformation. We are all on a journey where we may choose to go from deeply asleep and unconscious to highly awake, aware and conscious. This does not happen by itself, the transformation has to be invoked and initiated by the person itself. This is a gradual process that takes many years.
My sexual journey began already as a 5-year-old when I accidentally had my first orgasm while being in the bathtub one morning. Ever since that moment I was curiously exploring the sexual energy in my fantasies and through different means of activities up until my entrance into teenager-hood. I remember having dark fantasies which included me being controlled, owned and sexually abused already as a young girl, not understanding or questioning the fact that these things are morally wrong. As I grew older and started engaging with others sexually I was deeply ruled by an inner belief that I only needed to have sex and the thought of having a loving relationship was insistently rejected. I didn’t want anybody to love me, and I didn’t want to be in love. I was afraid of love.
This went on for many years. I had lots of loose sexual encounters and always left feeling emptier than before. I was drunk many times, faking my orgasms, and pushing myself to perform, to serve, to please. During this time I rejected my dark fantasies, but they eventually had to manifest through a man that I met in my younger years whom called himself a sadist.
I had just turned 20 when he entered my life and I ended up spending one year with him. He did things to me that most people would worry about if they knew. I don’t need to write about it, but I need to tell you that my experience with him had a paradoxical effect in me which seemed to evoke the deepest form of pleasure. Pain, bruises, restrictions and rules, humiliation, manipulation and degradation was the foundation of everything. I was the receiver. And I enjoyed it more than anything I had experienced before. I didn’t understand the deeper why for a long time. It made me feel important, it made me feel what I at that time percieved as "loved" and I believed that I was doing something good by surrendering and giving myself in to his darkness. I believed I needed to feel needed in this way. It made me feel an intense form of sexual arousal, which I at the time thought was the same as love.
I lived in a deep belief for many years that the most important thing that I needed from a partner was this kind of darkness because I felt aroused and sexually ignited by it. I questioned it many times but always seemed to come back to the same conclusion - that it must be so for a reason. I thought this kind of darkness was essential for me to feel loved. I believed that I somehow was going to heal through being in it, that the men magically would wake up and see the precious gift in me that I couldn't see myself. I based my worth mostly and mainly on their sexual affirmations of me.
I knew though, that there was something deeply hidden in this that I am here to learn about.
The few men that I met and had these kind of power dynamic experiences with have all served an important role in my journey of unraveling and getting to know the many aspects of my shadow – from deep-seated fear of true love and commitment; thinking that I am only worthy of someone’s love and care through sexual submission; to the complex shadow of self-sacrifice.
There seems to be a deep desire in my inner being to sacrifice something within myself. Now I have learned that this desire is two-sided and have a lower expression and a higher expression. In the mystery teachings personal sacrifice is necessary for the initiates and disciples on the path to evolve and incarnate the Christos essence into the body.
So what am I sacrificing myself to and for? I have to ask myself these questions.
With the sadistic men that I was with I felt intense sexual pleasure, but my heart and value as a human being, as a soul, was always neglected and dishonored. My worth as a being was measured by my willingness to let the beasts and demons inside these men to feast on my innocence. And every time I let them do so I became smaller, weaker, more afraid, more dependent, attached, and disconnected from the intelligence of my heart. My spiritual journey got extremely challenged by the energies that moved in those spaces and it has taken me years to purify myself from it.
I was unconsciously choosing to sacrifice my heart - my essence - to the sexual beasts of perverted and distorted lust and pleasure. I say that I was unconscious even though I made a conscious choice, because at the time I had no idea of the grave spiritual attack this has been on my inner being. I have had to meet the darkness and demons that lives within distorted sexuality face to face, and study their agenda to reach the point of awareness which I have today.
During the past 4 years I have been single, and mostly in celibacy, yet I have during some moments engaged in sexual activity in which I have studied the effects it has had on my inner being. I have gone through many ceremonies of purification and initiations which have tested me. My devotion to be of service to the Christos Emanation, the Truth Vibration, has deepened and my heart has expanded in ways I never knew was possible.
I have now chosen; through my own personal will; to sacrifice my desires for physical pleasure - my lower impulses - to gradually awaken the seed of the Christ in my Innermost being.
This vow is deeply spiritual and meaningful to me. This is me choosing to honour my soul, to honour the light of truth and the divine virgin mother goddess - which I aspire to incarnate into my heart. To be a pure vessel for the divine to work through me.
Making this choice; and asking the Divine Father through the Divine Mother Goddess to redeem me for my past choices and actions; have been one of the most powerful ceremonies and rites of my life so far. Because this is the TRUTH of my heart. The truth is that my innermost being wants to marry the Sun and the Earth. It wants to become the rainbow bridge. And it can only do so by me taking control of the lower impulses and desires that roam within the inner worlds and transmuting it through personal sacrifice. That cannot happen in anyone who constantly exchange sexual partners and indulge in sexual perversions, pleasure and orgasms. Sex is only sacred when the purest intentions and love for the divinity in our partner is present. Sex can only transform us when we cultivate the seed instead of wasting it. Sex only leads to further pain and suffering when done sought through lustful desires for physical and egoistic pleasure and orgasms, or even worse, to receive someones approval or attention.
Sex is healing and has the power to alchemise the inner being when true intimacy and love reigns within the temple of both partners. To reach this point one has to do a lot of inner work.
To have the revelations and the hidden truths of my sexuality revealed to me has changed my understanding and reverence for sex. For the past three years I have not had a desire to be intimate with anyone who seek to fill up their luciferic cups of sexual desires, pleasures, delusions, and perversions, which I used to. The diamond heart doesn’t need to seek out pure pleasure - the Christos is satiated and anchored in through love – which is a completely different energy. It liberates the soul and heals the deepest of wounds and distortions. It can only happen through a committed and sacred relationship with another soul. Or, as I have been shown, through committing to a sacred union with God within.
Making this vow to live in perfect chastity - inner purity - is the next step for me on my journey. This does not mean abstinence or repression of the sexual energy, but to truly honour and cultivate it for inner alchemy. It means to never waste the orgasm - the Christonic seed, and to never work with the energy from a purely egoistic or lustful place. Only the man whom I am to walk this path along will gain access to my temple and if he does not appear I will solely cultivate it for myself and God.
Perfect Chastity is equal to living a life in purity on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, sexual and spiritual. It is a personal commitment to serve the light of truth, and continue to be a student of the Divine instead of a slave to materialism, egoistic lustful desires and physical pleasure.
With this said, I am sure I will continue sharing about the deeper layers of this process as there is a lot to speak into. The processes and ceremonies that I have been passing through to get to this point has a lot of important teachings in them. The trees and plants are the keys to the inner mysteries. They have been guiding me to connect with the Divine within myself throughout these years and continue to awaken the spirit within my heart and show me the way.
Seek your allies in nature. The Mother Goddess is within them all. Pray from the bottom of your heart and beg her to teach, heal and awaken you to the truth. Be a good student and you will be shown the path of inner illumination.
Thank you for your sincerity. It's healing 💚
I was led to your words, at the right time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with us. I look forward to learning more about your journey and reading about it. 💚🤍
I can't even put into words how much this touched me, I feel it was written for me at the most perfect time. Just last night I saw a dream where I was seeking pleasure with a man and desperately wanted him to fill me over and over. I was both a child and a woman in doing so.
I have done quite a good job in protecting and respecting my temple in this life, but I still have a long way to go. I feel this post is an initiation for me to rise higher, to truly learn to honor my temple and the sacred sexual energy.
Thank you infinitely 🤍🤍🤍
Beautiful and powerful read! Thank you for your service and for sharing this with us. It is something very important and I deeply resonate and look forward to hearing more about your journey, teachings and lessons. This work feels like something that is anchoring deeply into our collective state so that we may and shall heal deeper from these shadows that we and our collective carries. So thank you🤍
Wise words and teachings I am very grateful to have read today I look forward to learning more from you 🙏🙏❤️